10 Questions You Should Never Ask (1-3)

Which conversationtopics really are best avoided? And if you have to know the answer, here’s how to ask without turning into a social pariah…

1. "What have you done to your hair?"

Should you wish to incite panic in a woman, this question will do the trick pretty much every time. Admittedly, her hair could do with a wash/ colour/entirely new style, or that new cut is ill-advised at best, but do you really want to reduce her to a state of acute paranoia? Even if your enquiry is innocuous, it dooms her to an indefinite period of hair-related anxiety If she's flirting with a dramatic new colour (white blonde when her natural shade is chestnut brown, jet black when nature created her a soft blonde) or has braved an entirely new style (from long, glamorously tousled layers to Louise Brooks bob) and you think she looks fantastic, make sure you tell her so. Even if the change is an enormous shock, and a "what have you done to your hair?" slips out involuntarily, regain lost ground immediately with profusions of how much it suits her (if it does) or how very brave and exciting it is (if it doesn't). If you really think it looks dreadful, now is the time for diplomacy - she has to live with it until it grows out.

2. "Do I look fat?"

There are three types of women who ask this: the skinny ones who know they don't, but want to hear you say it (attention seekers); the skinny ones who think they do (insecure); and those who really are carrying a couple more pounds than they should. If you're the first type, restrain yourself. Do not ask this: it bores your partner and frustrates your friends. If you're feeling heavier than usual, ask, "Does this suit me?" If, on the other hand, you really do think you look fat, but when you say so it elicits exasperation, then take a good look at yourself. Why do you think you're fat when everyone else so clearly doesn't? Is your vision skewed, or are there deeper issues afoot? Perhaps you do look big (or bigger than you'd like to). You'll either get an denial or a diplomatic "I think the blue was more flattering." Or even, "Yes, a little." You therefore have a choice: be happy as you are, or do something about it. Of course, you just might look fat in those skinny jeans. They aren't for everyone, you know.

3. "How much do you earn?"

This tends to crop up between work colleagues, but a word to the wise: avoid at all costs. It will either be so obvious (the bijou pad in Notting Hill and weekend retreat in the Cotswolds are the giveaway) that asking will simply engender loathing and gnashing of teeth. Or you'll find yourself in the awkward situation where you'd assumed you and she were at the same level, but discover she's paid less or - worse - more. The only time you should consider asking is when you already suspect that you're underpaid and are angling for a pay rise. In which case, ask in private, strictly off the record and when sober.