"This is just a fun kind of playing," Sonia says. "Oh, I still laugh with my husband, but it's different." The difference is that she'll never again discover her mate for the first time. A lit-tle harmless flirting lets her re-experience that first bright flush of "getting to know you."
But isn't it terrible for a woman to turn to, other men for something she can't get from her husband? Not necessarily, says Ted Gilliland, al marriage and family therapist in Vail, Coloradoi "Flirting can simply be a way of reaching out to somebody with friendliness and warmth, not a romance in the making." And since even a strong and fulfilling marriage tends to supply few surprises, getting that charge by engaging in party banter is fine. "If you're paying attention to your relationship, flirting with others can be fun and harmless."
It can even benefit your marriage, according to Sonia. "At home I cook, I clean, I do a lot of stuff that would be pretty tedious if I didn't get to goi out and have this kind of fun," she says. "I might' get resentful or feel trapped. This gives me a release I can't find in anything else and just' makes me happier."
So is there any harm in chatting up strangers1 or flirting at the water cooler? "You have tol examine your motivation," says Gilliland. He cautions that some hitched people flirt in an insincere way that's deliberately seductive. He likens it to catch-and-release fishing hooking someone just to see if you can.
Coquettishness can be symptomatic of a seri-ous problem in your relationship, though. The pursuit is used as a diversion and a distraction, says Gilliland, kind of like taking an aspirin when you have a brain tumor. It may get rid of the pain for a while, but in the long run you have to look at the real problem.
One crucial question the flirter should ask herself is whether she's really committed to her marriage. If the answer is a resounding yes, she's probably safe, according to Gilliland.
But a connection with someone else can throw a troubled relationship into heavy seas, no matter how innocent the bond may be. For seven years, Deirdre, a filmmaker, had an intense yet flirty work relationship with her mentor, an award-winning British director. She found it helpful: "I think flirting is an amazingly useful tool in a creative situation because it develops an unspoken sexual tension that can be creatively stimulating."
Her fondness and admiration for this man had an enormous influence on her filmmaking. No hanky-panky, though; she had a live-in love, and the mentor was long married. "There was never an indiscretion," she says, "except once at a film festival tribute to him. On the limo drive back to the hotel, he put his hand on my leg and gazed deeply into my eyes."
But their closeness wreaked havoc with Deirdre's live-in mate. Jason was madly jealous of their creative combustion and tried to sabotage it. For Deirdre, the situation threw neg-ative aspects of Jason's personality into sharp relief his selfishness, his controlling nature and she realized it was a mistake for her to be with him. They eventually split up.
On the other hand, if your partner is supportive and secure, he probably won't have a problem with some gallivanting. Nora's husband of ten years likes the spice her after-hours activity brings to the table. Most Tuesday nights she goes to local salsa dance club and dances' with perfect strangers. For her, mixing it up with her partners simply adds to the main attraction the dancing itself. "Hugh likes that I've been happier," Nora says. "He certainly appreciates the way I dress up. It's had us flirting together more than usual.
"I'm not trying to recapture something I've lost in my marriage," she says. That kind of excitement isn't something you could expect your husband to provide." At the clubs, Nora gets to socialize in that sexy-yet-innocent spirit of freewheeling youth, awakening her inner teenager. "You get to relive all that high school flirting and romance without the anxiety attached to it," she says. "Who knew you could get that back? Not that I really wanted it, but now that it's happened, it's kind of fun." Susan L. Blumberg, a psychologist and coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage, approves. "You shouldn't have to lose out on things just because you're married," she says. "And you, shouldn't expect to have fun only with your partner." Even though dancing can be very sexual, she thinks it doesn't cross the line.
Shocked friends ask Nora why she doesn't go dancing with, her husband, but she's puzzled by their consternation. She's got her life partner; all she's looking for at the clubs is a dance partner. Besides, there is a payoff. "It definitely adds some sizzle tow our relationship," Nora says. "Unfortunately, he's usually asleep by the time I get home."
For Jill, separating the dance from the romance is easy. An art gallery manager, Jill hones her flirting talents in the neighborhood bars she frequents with her husband. They're often on opposite sides of the room, each flirting up a storm. A striking blonde with a sly wit, her blue eyes and easy laugh are always in the service of whatever possibilities for casual banter come her way.
The ego buzz she gets never imperils her happy marriage, because of the subtle understanding between flirter and flirtee. I think the flirting is always done in the spirit of fun and never goes any further," she says. "It makes you feel good about yourself. After all, I love my husband; I'm plot trying to escape into another life. It's gust fun for 20 minutes to have somebody new think you're cute." Their antics often lead to them flirting with each other. He sends her little suggestive notes on the bar napkins, and she keeps them all. But it's when they get home that things really heat up. "He feels a little pumped up, and that's great," she says, grinning.
Howard Markman, director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and Blumberg's coauthor, believes that this is the best ilcind of flirting. "When the husband and wife are both aware of it and enjoying the attention, it can definitely add to their relationship," he says. He's not surprised that it adds spark to their sex life, too. "Seeing that your mate is attractive to lother people can enhance sensuality."
Markman notes that this is only true as long as no one's acting on that attraction. Nora ran into that issue when she discovered that dancing close is apt to stir up a heated misconception or two. Recently one of the regulars at her club wanted to take their dance partnership to another level. "Until it crossed that line, it was great," she says. "At that point, I realized I had to find a different partner."
Says Ted Gilliland, "You have to remember that flirting isn't a 100 percent safe thing; there's always a risk involved."
Back at the ski condo, Sonia glances at her watch. It's nearly one in the morning. Looking around, she sees that some of lithe women are starting to laugh a bit too loudly. She catches meaningful looks and witnesses slow embraces. The bubbling "hot tub on the deck begins to exert a gravitational pull. Time to go. Like Cinderella, she says hasty good-byes and lees out the door. She's had her fun.
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